WHO DONE IT? WHO DID IN WUBBY? - by Tanis Harms, © 2015
WHO DONE IT? WHO DID IN WUBBY? - by Tanis Harms, © 2015
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STYLE:
Comedy/who-done-it mystery (37 pages)
PREMISE:
During Trish’s sixteenth birthday party, her stuffed rabbit is discovered... demolished. It becomes Sheldon’s job to help figure out who did the deed.
TOPIC:
Lying leads to hurt, guilt and distrust.
SCRIPTURE:
Ex.20:16, Rom.3:5-8, 1Cor.13:6
CHARACTERS (LINE COUNT) DESCRIPTION:
(129) SHELDON - teen, serious-sleuth-wanna-be
( 47) TRISH - 16-year-old birthday girl, sensitive
( 25) TODD - teen, Trish’s brother, tease
( 20) TERRI - teen, Trish’s sister, competitive
( 26) KATIE - teen, caring friend
( 16) EMMA - teen, coy friend
( 10) GALE - teen, jealous friend
( 11) ANNETTE - skeptical friend
( 18) JOSH - ghoulish friend
( 12) RUSS - goofy friend
(. 5) QUINTON - macho friend
(. 2) JIMMY - laidback friend
( 25) MS.PEPPER – perky party planner
( 15) MRS. BERGMAN – Trish’s mother, fun-loving
(. 8) MR. BERGMAN – Trish’s father, competitive
(. 8) BUTLER/MR. DOUGLAS – aloof, British accent
(. 9) COOK/MRS.FELLINI – no-nonsense, Italian accent
(. 6) CHAUFFEUR/MR.STELLAR – jokester, Scottish accent
(. 4) MAID/MISS CAROL – anxious, French accent
PROPS:
(SET) sofa, chairs, coffee table, side table;
(COFFEE TABLE ITEMS) cover blanket, pink bunny in 2 pieces, 40 tiny items for game;
(SIDE TABLE ITEMS) pad/s of paper, pen/s;
(OTHER) toy airplane, big dog barking sound effect, cellphone with earbuds, feather duster
SCRIPT: takes place in a sitting room
(Ms. Pepper enters, leading the way into the sitting room which is decorated for a girl’s birthday party. All teens follow behind her. On top of the coffee table at LCS, is a blanket, obviously covering up something.)
MS. PEPPER:
All right, children, follow me.
QUINTON:
Children? We’re almost adults, here.
(Russ makes the roar of an aircraft as he “flies” a toy airplane through the air.)
JIMMY:
Well, some are closer than others.
(to Russ)
Chill, dude.
RUSS:
Check it out! Found this in my treat bag.
MS. PEPPER:
So next on our schedule – is game time.
GALE:
(to Trish)
You’re so lucky to have a party planner organize your birthday bash.
TRISH:
Only because Mom and Dad could not be here today.
GALE:
Still! A party planner!
ANNETTE:
Who is not that good, by the way.
(catching Trish’s gasp)
Sorry, I’m just saying. What? It’s the truth.
KATIE:
If the truth hurts - keep it to yourself!
(Ms. Pepper claps for attention and attempts to become even more perky to grab and hold everyone’s interest.)
MS. PEPPER:
This first game will be a lot of fun. I promise you. So, everybody, if you could stand in a line, right over there, behind the coffee table. Awesome... Now this game is called “what lies beneath.” There are various items beneath this blanket, 40 items to be exact. I will remove the blanket for 3 minutes only; then you will try to remember and write down as many of the items as you can.
QUINTON:
This is so lame.
(Annette agrees with a roll of her eyes.)
TERRI:
Whatever, it’s a game, and I’m gonna win.
EMMA:
Oh really? Think you have an upper hand somehow?
TERRI:
No upper hand, unless being smart and competitive counts.
MS. PEPPER:
Okay, yes, that’s the spirit.
SHELDON:
(looking around and raising a hand)
Ah, we need some paper and pens.
MS. PEPPER:
Let’s not get ahead of ourselves, dear. I won’t allow any opportunity for cheating.
(suddenly very dramatic and cryptic)
Now! The first thing that I’m going to do is – reveal... “what lies beneath!”
(Ms. Pepper begins to pick up the blanket, but seeing what is actually there causes her to scream hysterically. She quickly drops the blanket back down and begins to shake her hands in an effort to think what to do next. Ms. Pepper continues to whine and tremble and goes into shock, while the teens wonder if this is part of the game.)
JOSH:
Cool! Was not expecting a game of terror.
QUINTON:
Finally, this party is picking up.
JIMMY:
It was getting pretty lame.
KATIE:
Hey, not cool to say that!
JOSH:
(eagerly)
So when can we look?!
MS. PEPPER:
Uh, well, uh, it’s not, exactly, what I mean is - that – THAT is certainly not what I put there! Really-truly not.
TRISH:
Is it really that scary?
MS. PEPPER:
It all – depends – I suppose.
JOSH:
Nothing can scare me. Just let us see it, already.
MS. PEPPER:
No! No, I do not want anyone– having nightmares from this.
JOSH:
Could you at least describe it?
MS. PEPPER:
I suppose. Yes, I suppose I must. Ah, it – it was – furry. And – and pink. Yes, it definitely was pink.
TRISH:
(quietly)
Pink and - furry?
(Trish begins to panic, while Katie also understands.)
KATIE:
It – did not have - long ears, did it?
(Ms. Pepper nods, trying to hold back her tears.)
TRISH:
(going into quiet shock)
Wubby? Please! Just what exactly is wrong with Wubby?
MS. PEPPER:
It – was – it is – it’s in two – two separate pieces.
TRISH:
(gasps)
No! NO! It can’t be! Wait. Maybe it WAS NOT Wubby.
EMMA:
That’s right. Maybe it was a different stuffed pink rabbit.
TODD:
Doubtful. Trish only has one pink toy-
(Terri madly shakes her head at Todd not to finish his sentence.)
TRISH:
You know better! Wubby is NOT a toy!
JOSH:
Awesome! So can we see it now?
KATIE:
Have you no compassion?
JOSH:
Well, somebody needs to I.D. the body. You know, just to make sure.
(Sheldon steps forward feigning great authority.)
SHELDON:
He’s right. Someone needs to identify the victim.
(Josh steps forward to do it, but Sheldon holds him back then looks around.)
SHELDON:
It really should be a family member.
TODD:
As the brother, I can do it. It’s okay. I’ve got this.
TERRI:
I don’t quite trust you, Todd. So, as the caring sister that I am, I will do it.
SHELDON:
BOTH of you could check.
(Terri and Todd both lift up the blanket to peek beneath then put it back down solemnly.)
TODD:
It’s Wubby, all right.
TRISH:
No! No! Nooo! It cannot be. It just cannot be.
TERRI:
There’s no denying the faint markings of that mustache Todd drew on it last year.
TODD:
That was your idea!
TERRI:
You did not have to use a permanent marker!
(Trish breaks down sobbing, and Terri rolls her eyes, but tries to console her with practical words.)
TERRI:
Trish, it’s just – it’s – well, you know, it’s all over, I’m afraid.
TRISH:
How will I go on? How will I ever go on?
KATIE:
I’ll buy you a new Wubby.
TRISH:
It would not be the same.
KATIE:
Maybe it could still be fixed?
(Katie and Trish look hopefully toward Todd and Terri who slowly shake their heads.)
TRISH:
I – I-I must see for myself.
KATIE:
Are you sure?
TRISH:
I - I need closure.
(Trish slowly takes a peek underneath the blanket. Putting the blanket back down, she steps backward and puts a horrified hand to her mouth. Annette snickers. As Katie leers at her, Annette quickly turns it into fake crying to disguise the rest of her giggle-fit.)
ANNETTE:
It’s just so sad. So very sad.
(Trish finds a new resolve through a sudden rush of anger.)
TRISH:
I need to know who would do such a thing! Well? Who did this? Who did in Wubby? I need a confession. I need to know, now!
SHELDON:
Indeed. I’ve got this.
TERRI:
What are you saying, Sheldon? Do you know who done it?
SHELDON:
No, I mean, I can help figure this out. I can take it from here.
GALE:
But Ms. Pepper is the party planner. Isn’t she in charge?
MS. PEPPER:
(muttering as she is curled up on the floor)
This-this no longer is a party. This has – become - something else, something – entirely different.
SHELDON:
Like I said, I’ve got this. I watch every detective show on TV. First, we need a lockdown. No one leaves this party until we figure out who did in Wubby.
(to Todd)
Todd! Make sure all doors are secured!
TODD:
(shrugging and calling out)
Mr. Douglas!
SHELDON:
Wait. Just who are you calling?
TODD:
Our butler.
GALE:
You have a butler? I thought that was your dad.
(Butler appears and stands at attention.)
TODD:
Mr. Douglas, we need all the doors locked, so no one can come in or out.
BUTLER:
But-
QUINTON:
No buts- Mr. Butler – a crime has taken place.
BUTLER:
(nods curtly before exiting)
But, of course.
SHELDON:
Huh, and he didn’t even balk at the word “crime”. I must put him at the top of my suspect list. Which brings me to the next step.
TODD:
Which is?
SHELDON:
The second step. I will need that pen and paper now.
EMMA:
Ms. Pepper, pen and paper?
(Ms. Pepper points weakly to a side table. Emma rushes a paper pad and pen over to Sheldon. This can contain the script from this point on to help with lines.)
SHELDON:
You seem very eager to help, Emma. Perhaps you have something to hide?
EMMA:
No. I just want the culprit caught so I can get home in time to watch “Glad Times.” I’ve never missed one episode, and I don’t intend to start now.
SHELDON:
You do know that you can streamline.
EMMA:
Seems I’m not as smart as you.
SHELDON:
And now you flatter me. You are at the top of the list.
(speaks to all)
Which brings me to the third step: I will have to question each and every one of you - privately.
EMMA:
You suspect all of us?
SHELDON:
Don’t know yet. But there is the chance, that one of you unwittingly witnessed something that could help this case.
KATIE:
Should we not get rid of the body first? It’s a little disconcerting.
(Trish sobs at the thought.)
SHELDON:
It’s evidence. But, okay! Somebody get some masking tape.
EMMA:
(looking quickly to Ms. Pepper)
Masking tape?
(Ms. Pepper points to the side table again. Emma brings Sheldon the tape, then Emma carefully lifts up the blanket, so that the audience cannot see. Then Sheldon pretends to put tape around the bunny pieces, which is already there, while Josh stands by to watch.)
JOSH:
Whoa! Serious carnage! Someone really beat the stuffing out of Wubby! I mean, this thing was really slaughtered!
KATIE:
Again, Josh, have you no compassion?
SHELDON:
Actually, we still don’t have enough evidence to go on to make any sort of assumptions. Except that, the way the body pieces here have been carefully laid out, shows us that perhaps the crime was committed by someone who cared.
JOSH:
Well, I have not seen such a massacre since all my sister’s Barbies fell apart.
EMMA:
That’s horrible.
JOSH:
Limbs were everywhere.
TRISH:
Please stop.
JOSH:
We didn’t know which arm belonged to which Barbie.
RUSS:
Does it really make a difference?
GALE:
You have no idea! If you mixed the tanned parts of Beach Barbie with the alabaster parts of Princess Barbie, there would be a fashion scandal!
(Sheldon finishes by setting the pink pieces of fur on the blanket and wrapping it up like in a body bag.)
SHELDON:
Do you have a safe place to store the body?
TODD:
I can take care of it.
TERRI:
I can do it.
SHELDON:
Wait! Both of you should be at the top of the suspect list. I just remembered, family members should always be ruled out first.
(motioning to body bag)
Now, who can we trust to take care of this properly?
TERRI:
Mrs. Fellini. She’s our cook. Very trustworthy.
GALE:
You have a cook?!
TODD:
(calling)
Mrs. Fellini! We need you in here!... Pleeease!
COOK:
(entering)
It’s’a now’a time’a for a snack?
TERRI:
(pointing to the body bag)
Mrs. Fellini, could you please put this somewhere safe?
COOK:
But’a what’s is’a this?
TERRI:
Trish’s Wubby. It has met a tragic demise.
(Cook grabs the blanket curtly and exits. Todd relaxes once Cook is completely gone.)
TODD:
Just put it somewhere safe. Pleeease... She’s trustworthy, but she still scares me into being polite.
SHELDON:
(making a notation, then looks at Todd and Terri)
Perhaps she knows something. She did not seem terribly upset or surprised. Now, is there anybody else in this house that I should know about?
TERRI:
There is Mr. Stellar, our chauffeur.
GALE:
You also have a chauffeur?!
TRISH:
Who cares! Is that all you care about? Wubby was my best friend in the whole world. Wubby went everywhere with me. Everywhere! And now Wubby is gone from my life. Forever!
(Annette pretends to cry as she has another giggle-fit.)
TRISH:
How could you laugh at a time like this? He’s gone, I tell you. Gone! Do you even get that? I’ve had him ever since I was a baby. And now, what will I do without him? We were going to see the world together! We were going to go to college together -
(Sheldon walks down the line of teens and studies them, stopping when he comes to Annette who still struggles to disguise her giggle-fit.)
SHELDON:
I can see that all of you are suspects. So I will have to interrogate each one of you separately until we get to the bottom of this. Unless, the perpetrator would like to step forward right now and confess...
(waits a moment)
No? Okay, everybody out. I will call upon the first suspect-and-or witness – Ms. Pepper.
(Teens exits, except for Trish. Before exiting, Emma stops to help Ms. Pepper stand and get to the chair, which Sheldon adjusts, for a better view. Sheldon looks over at Trish who sits down on the sofa.)
SHELDON:
Are you sure you want to stay for this? It’s not going to be pretty, and I don’t know if you can handle it.
TRISH:
I think so. I mean, I must- I must be brave. For Wubby.
(Sheldon’s attention snaps to Ms. Pepper. Sitting on the coffee table’s edge, Sheldon takes a moment to study her.)
SHELDON:
Ms. Pepper, perhaps you had something to gain from this debacle.
...use in address bar: churchskits.blogspot.com (HOME)
STYLE:
Comedy/who-done-it mystery (37 pages)
PREMISE:
During Trish’s sixteenth birthday party, her stuffed rabbit is discovered... demolished. It becomes Sheldon’s job to help figure out who did the deed.
TOPIC:
Lying leads to hurt, guilt and distrust.
SCRIPTURE:
Ex.20:16, Rom.3:5-8, 1Cor.13:6
CHARACTERS (LINE COUNT) DESCRIPTION:
(129) SHELDON - teen, serious-sleuth-wanna-be
( 47) TRISH - 16-year-old birthday girl, sensitive
( 25) TODD - teen, Trish’s brother, tease
( 20) TERRI - teen, Trish’s sister, competitive
( 26) KATIE - teen, caring friend
( 16) EMMA - teen, coy friend
( 10) GALE - teen, jealous friend
( 11) ANNETTE - skeptical friend
( 18) JOSH - ghoulish friend
( 12) RUSS - goofy friend
(. 5) QUINTON - macho friend
(. 2) JIMMY - laidback friend
( 25) MS.PEPPER – perky party planner
( 15) MRS. BERGMAN – Trish’s mother, fun-loving
(. 8) MR. BERGMAN – Trish’s father, competitive
(. 8) BUTLER/MR. DOUGLAS – aloof, British accent
(. 9) COOK/MRS.FELLINI – no-nonsense, Italian accent
(. 6) CHAUFFEUR/MR.STELLAR – jokester, Scottish accent
(. 4) MAID/MISS CAROL – anxious, French accent
PROPS:
(SET) sofa, chairs, coffee table, side table;
(COFFEE TABLE ITEMS) cover blanket, pink bunny in 2 pieces, 40 tiny items for game;
(SIDE TABLE ITEMS) pad/s of paper, pen/s;
(OTHER) toy airplane, big dog barking sound effect, cellphone with earbuds, feather duster
SCRIPT: takes place in a sitting room
(Ms. Pepper enters, leading the way into the sitting room which is decorated for a girl’s birthday party. All teens follow behind her. On top of the coffee table at LCS, is a blanket, obviously covering up something.)
MS. PEPPER:
All right, children, follow me.
QUINTON:
Children? We’re almost adults, here.
(Russ makes the roar of an aircraft as he “flies” a toy airplane through the air.)
JIMMY:
Well, some are closer than others.
(to Russ)
Chill, dude.
RUSS:
Check it out! Found this in my treat bag.
MS. PEPPER:
So next on our schedule – is game time.
GALE:
(to Trish)
You’re so lucky to have a party planner organize your birthday bash.
TRISH:
Only because Mom and Dad could not be here today.
GALE:
Still! A party planner!
ANNETTE:
Who is not that good, by the way.
(catching Trish’s gasp)
Sorry, I’m just saying. What? It’s the truth.
KATIE:
If the truth hurts - keep it to yourself!
(Ms. Pepper claps for attention and attempts to become even more perky to grab and hold everyone’s interest.)
MS. PEPPER:
This first game will be a lot of fun. I promise you. So, everybody, if you could stand in a line, right over there, behind the coffee table. Awesome... Now this game is called “what lies beneath.” There are various items beneath this blanket, 40 items to be exact. I will remove the blanket for 3 minutes only; then you will try to remember and write down as many of the items as you can.
QUINTON:
This is so lame.
(Annette agrees with a roll of her eyes.)
TERRI:
Whatever, it’s a game, and I’m gonna win.
EMMA:
Oh really? Think you have an upper hand somehow?
TERRI:
No upper hand, unless being smart and competitive counts.
MS. PEPPER:
Okay, yes, that’s the spirit.
SHELDON:
(looking around and raising a hand)
Ah, we need some paper and pens.
MS. PEPPER:
Let’s not get ahead of ourselves, dear. I won’t allow any opportunity for cheating.
(suddenly very dramatic and cryptic)
Now! The first thing that I’m going to do is – reveal... “what lies beneath!”
(Ms. Pepper begins to pick up the blanket, but seeing what is actually there causes her to scream hysterically. She quickly drops the blanket back down and begins to shake her hands in an effort to think what to do next. Ms. Pepper continues to whine and tremble and goes into shock, while the teens wonder if this is part of the game.)
JOSH:
Cool! Was not expecting a game of terror.
QUINTON:
Finally, this party is picking up.
JIMMY:
It was getting pretty lame.
KATIE:
Hey, not cool to say that!
JOSH:
(eagerly)
So when can we look?!
MS. PEPPER:
Uh, well, uh, it’s not, exactly, what I mean is - that – THAT is certainly not what I put there! Really-truly not.
TRISH:
Is it really that scary?
MS. PEPPER:
It all – depends – I suppose.
JOSH:
Nothing can scare me. Just let us see it, already.
MS. PEPPER:
No! No, I do not want anyone– having nightmares from this.
JOSH:
Could you at least describe it?
MS. PEPPER:
I suppose. Yes, I suppose I must. Ah, it – it was – furry. And – and pink. Yes, it definitely was pink.
TRISH:
(quietly)
Pink and - furry?
(Trish begins to panic, while Katie also understands.)
KATIE:
It – did not have - long ears, did it?
(Ms. Pepper nods, trying to hold back her tears.)
TRISH:
(going into quiet shock)
Wubby? Please! Just what exactly is wrong with Wubby?
MS. PEPPER:
It – was – it is – it’s in two – two separate pieces.
TRISH:
(gasps)
No! NO! It can’t be! Wait. Maybe it WAS NOT Wubby.
EMMA:
That’s right. Maybe it was a different stuffed pink rabbit.
TODD:
Doubtful. Trish only has one pink toy-
(Terri madly shakes her head at Todd not to finish his sentence.)
TRISH:
You know better! Wubby is NOT a toy!
JOSH:
Awesome! So can we see it now?
KATIE:
Have you no compassion?
JOSH:
Well, somebody needs to I.D. the body. You know, just to make sure.
(Sheldon steps forward feigning great authority.)
SHELDON:
He’s right. Someone needs to identify the victim.
(Josh steps forward to do it, but Sheldon holds him back then looks around.)
SHELDON:
It really should be a family member.
TODD:
As the brother, I can do it. It’s okay. I’ve got this.
TERRI:
I don’t quite trust you, Todd. So, as the caring sister that I am, I will do it.
SHELDON:
BOTH of you could check.
(Terri and Todd both lift up the blanket to peek beneath then put it back down solemnly.)
TODD:
It’s Wubby, all right.
TRISH:
No! No! Nooo! It cannot be. It just cannot be.
TERRI:
There’s no denying the faint markings of that mustache Todd drew on it last year.
TODD:
That was your idea!
TERRI:
You did not have to use a permanent marker!
(Trish breaks down sobbing, and Terri rolls her eyes, but tries to console her with practical words.)
TERRI:
Trish, it’s just – it’s – well, you know, it’s all over, I’m afraid.
TRISH:
How will I go on? How will I ever go on?
KATIE:
I’ll buy you a new Wubby.
TRISH:
It would not be the same.
KATIE:
Maybe it could still be fixed?
(Katie and Trish look hopefully toward Todd and Terri who slowly shake their heads.)
TRISH:
I – I-I must see for myself.
KATIE:
Are you sure?
TRISH:
I - I need closure.
(Trish slowly takes a peek underneath the blanket. Putting the blanket back down, she steps backward and puts a horrified hand to her mouth. Annette snickers. As Katie leers at her, Annette quickly turns it into fake crying to disguise the rest of her giggle-fit.)
ANNETTE:
It’s just so sad. So very sad.
(Trish finds a new resolve through a sudden rush of anger.)
TRISH:
I need to know who would do such a thing! Well? Who did this? Who did in Wubby? I need a confession. I need to know, now!
SHELDON:
Indeed. I’ve got this.
TERRI:
What are you saying, Sheldon? Do you know who done it?
SHELDON:
No, I mean, I can help figure this out. I can take it from here.
GALE:
But Ms. Pepper is the party planner. Isn’t she in charge?
MS. PEPPER:
(muttering as she is curled up on the floor)
This-this no longer is a party. This has – become - something else, something – entirely different.
SHELDON:
Like I said, I’ve got this. I watch every detective show on TV. First, we need a lockdown. No one leaves this party until we figure out who did in Wubby.
(to Todd)
Todd! Make sure all doors are secured!
TODD:
(shrugging and calling out)
Mr. Douglas!
SHELDON:
Wait. Just who are you calling?
TODD:
Our butler.
GALE:
You have a butler? I thought that was your dad.
(Butler appears and stands at attention.)
TODD:
Mr. Douglas, we need all the doors locked, so no one can come in or out.
BUTLER:
But-
QUINTON:
No buts- Mr. Butler – a crime has taken place.
BUTLER:
(nods curtly before exiting)
But, of course.
SHELDON:
Huh, and he didn’t even balk at the word “crime”. I must put him at the top of my suspect list. Which brings me to the next step.
TODD:
Which is?
SHELDON:
The second step. I will need that pen and paper now.
EMMA:
Ms. Pepper, pen and paper?
(Ms. Pepper points weakly to a side table. Emma rushes a paper pad and pen over to Sheldon. This can contain the script from this point on to help with lines.)
SHELDON:
You seem very eager to help, Emma. Perhaps you have something to hide?
EMMA:
No. I just want the culprit caught so I can get home in time to watch “Glad Times.” I’ve never missed one episode, and I don’t intend to start now.
SHELDON:
You do know that you can streamline.
EMMA:
Seems I’m not as smart as you.
SHELDON:
And now you flatter me. You are at the top of the list.
(speaks to all)
Which brings me to the third step: I will have to question each and every one of you - privately.
EMMA:
You suspect all of us?
SHELDON:
Don’t know yet. But there is the chance, that one of you unwittingly witnessed something that could help this case.
KATIE:
Should we not get rid of the body first? It’s a little disconcerting.
(Trish sobs at the thought.)
SHELDON:
It’s evidence. But, okay! Somebody get some masking tape.
EMMA:
(looking quickly to Ms. Pepper)
Masking tape?
(Ms. Pepper points to the side table again. Emma brings Sheldon the tape, then Emma carefully lifts up the blanket, so that the audience cannot see. Then Sheldon pretends to put tape around the bunny pieces, which is already there, while Josh stands by to watch.)
JOSH:
Whoa! Serious carnage! Someone really beat the stuffing out of Wubby! I mean, this thing was really slaughtered!
KATIE:
Again, Josh, have you no compassion?
SHELDON:
Actually, we still don’t have enough evidence to go on to make any sort of assumptions. Except that, the way the body pieces here have been carefully laid out, shows us that perhaps the crime was committed by someone who cared.
JOSH:
Well, I have not seen such a massacre since all my sister’s Barbies fell apart.
EMMA:
That’s horrible.
JOSH:
Limbs were everywhere.
TRISH:
Please stop.
JOSH:
We didn’t know which arm belonged to which Barbie.
RUSS:
Does it really make a difference?
GALE:
You have no idea! If you mixed the tanned parts of Beach Barbie with the alabaster parts of Princess Barbie, there would be a fashion scandal!
(Sheldon finishes by setting the pink pieces of fur on the blanket and wrapping it up like in a body bag.)
SHELDON:
Do you have a safe place to store the body?
TODD:
I can take care of it.
TERRI:
I can do it.
SHELDON:
Wait! Both of you should be at the top of the suspect list. I just remembered, family members should always be ruled out first.
(motioning to body bag)
Now, who can we trust to take care of this properly?
TERRI:
Mrs. Fellini. She’s our cook. Very trustworthy.
GALE:
You have a cook?!
TODD:
(calling)
Mrs. Fellini! We need you in here!... Pleeease!
COOK:
(entering)
It’s’a now’a time’a for a snack?
TERRI:
(pointing to the body bag)
Mrs. Fellini, could you please put this somewhere safe?
COOK:
But’a what’s is’a this?
TERRI:
Trish’s Wubby. It has met a tragic demise.
(Cook grabs the blanket curtly and exits. Todd relaxes once Cook is completely gone.)
TODD:
Just put it somewhere safe. Pleeease... She’s trustworthy, but she still scares me into being polite.
SHELDON:
(making a notation, then looks at Todd and Terri)
Perhaps she knows something. She did not seem terribly upset or surprised. Now, is there anybody else in this house that I should know about?
TERRI:
There is Mr. Stellar, our chauffeur.
GALE:
You also have a chauffeur?!
TRISH:
Who cares! Is that all you care about? Wubby was my best friend in the whole world. Wubby went everywhere with me. Everywhere! And now Wubby is gone from my life. Forever!
(Annette pretends to cry as she has another giggle-fit.)
TRISH:
How could you laugh at a time like this? He’s gone, I tell you. Gone! Do you even get that? I’ve had him ever since I was a baby. And now, what will I do without him? We were going to see the world together! We were going to go to college together -
(Sheldon walks down the line of teens and studies them, stopping when he comes to Annette who still struggles to disguise her giggle-fit.)
SHELDON:
I can see that all of you are suspects. So I will have to interrogate each one of you separately until we get to the bottom of this. Unless, the perpetrator would like to step forward right now and confess...
(waits a moment)
No? Okay, everybody out. I will call upon the first suspect-and-or witness – Ms. Pepper.
(Teens exits, except for Trish. Before exiting, Emma stops to help Ms. Pepper stand and get to the chair, which Sheldon adjusts, for a better view. Sheldon looks over at Trish who sits down on the sofa.)
SHELDON:
Are you sure you want to stay for this? It’s not going to be pretty, and I don’t know if you can handle it.
TRISH:
I think so. I mean, I must- I must be brave. For Wubby.
(Sheldon’s attention snaps to Ms. Pepper. Sitting on the coffee table’s edge, Sheldon takes a moment to study her.)
SHELDON:
Ms. Pepper, perhaps you had something to gain from this debacle.
MS. PEPPER:
What? How? Why would I ever do such a thing?
SHELDON:
Thou protest too much. You had access. You had opportunity. Perhaps you had motive.
MS. PEPPER:
My success depends on the success of each party. If anything goes wrong, my reputation is ruined.
SHELDON:
Perhaps it is already ruined? I heard about the incident at Larry Peters’ paintballing party. That’s right. I heard how the birthday boy got it right in the eyes. One red, one blue! The paint did not wash off for days.
MS. PEPPER:
I would never PLAN for something like that to happen.
SHELDON:
And at Sue Wilson’s party, you served a cake with combustible candles. Her eyebrows are still missing.
MS. PEPPER:
That was an accident. A very tragic accident!
SHELDON:
Since your reputation has already been tarnished, I think you sabotaged THIS party! What’s that saying? Bad publicity is good publicity. And perhaps it’s because you want to break into the Murder Mystery party scene.
MS. PEPPER:
Oh, now there’s an idea. Why didn’t I think of that? Anyway, I didn’t - I did not do this.
SHELDON:
Why should I believe you? Wubby’s body was found with the game that you yourself prepared just before the party.
MS. PEPPER:
I have absolutely no idea how that even got there.
SHELDON:
Then let us go through all your steps, shall we? Right from the start.
MS. PEPPER:
Well, I entered the house. Met with the cook, to get a progress report on food preparations.
SHELDON:
How did she seem to you?
MS. PEPPER:
The cook? Seemed, well, rather perturbed that I would even bother her. Her kitchen is her kingdom, as I was told so very abruptly.
SHELDON:
So she was abrupt?
MS. PEPPER:
And busy... she was busy chopping things.
SHELDON:
(writing)
“Busy chopping things”
(looking up)
Could you see WHAT she was chopping?
MS. PEPPER:
I was far too busy. I had other things to do. I had to set up the games. Which take time. Like this one here. All those little items- 40 items, to be exact. NOT 41. Or – I suppose it really turned out to be 42 as it was- split- ah-
(Trish whimpers at the thought of Wubby in two pieces.)
SHELDON:
We get the picture. So Wubby was nowhere in sight at this point?
MS. PEPPER:
Up until now, I had never met – Wubby. Never even heard anyone mention the name “Wubby”. I simply finished putting all 40 items on the table, and covered it with the blanket. Then it was time to decorate. And at 4 pm, I met with Trish, in the study, to go over the itinerary.
TRISH:
We did. In the study, at 4 pm exactly. The party was to begin at 5 pm.
SHELDON:
(pacing the room to think)
And we discovered the body at exactly... 5:37. Plenty of time for somebody to hide the body under the blanket. But, perhaps Wubby was injured long before any of this. When did you last see Wubby in one piece?
TRISH:
3:50 pm. I remember, because I said goodbye to Wubby just before meeting with Ms. Pepper, explaining why he would not be at my party. I knew the other kids would only make fun if he were there. But now, I just keep thinking, if only - I would not have been so embarrassed – he - he would still be right here - with me - all in one piece. But he’s not-
SHELDON:
Trish, do not play the “what if” game. It will only drive you crazy. And you must not blame yourself. This was not your fault. You are not responsible for Wubby’s passing. You were – from what I hear – an excellent friend to Wubby.
TRISH:
Thank you.
SHELDON:
So you last saw Wubby at 3:50, and where exactly was this?
TRISH:
Up in my bedroom.
SHELDON:
This leads me to think that this was most likely an inside job. All right, well Ms. Pepper, I’m finished questioning you for now. Please send in – the cook – Mrs. Fellini.
MS. PEPPER:
You want ME to get her. Me? She kind of scares me. A lot.
TRISH:
Don’t worry, it’s not you. She scares everyone.
(Ms. Pepper exits, visibly nervous.)
SHELDON:
So, the cook also scares you?
TRISH:
Not totally. At times she makes scary meals to eat, but um-
(quickly scared)
Please do not tell her that she makes scary food!
(Cook enters. Trish quickly sits still and rigid.)
SHELDON:
Mrs. Fellini, please sit down, I have questions to ask-
COOK:
I’a no’a have’a time’a to sit’a down! There’s’a so’a much’a still to do-
SHELDON:
But I need to ask you about your’a day- your day!
COOK:
My’a day is’a spent in’a kitchen to’a cook’a like a crazy person. So’a much’a to do!
SHELDON:
Ms. Pepper says that you were abrupt with her.
COOK:
Yes, abrupt’a. I’a no have’a time for crazy’a chit-chat.
SHELDON:
And you were chopping something?
COOK:
Si! A lots’a chopping’a, dicing’a, stirring’a, mixing’a - You’a name it, I’a make it.
SHELDON:
Were you a’making rabbit?
COOK:
I no like’a rabbit.
SHELDON:
All rabbits? Did you have something against Wubby?
COOK:
Wubby is’a – so sorry – Wubby was’a nice’a, soft’a small’a friend, si? But he was’a so old. No? What’a shame. I’m’a go now. So’a much’a to do.
(Cook turns and leaves while still muttering.)
TRISH:
You don’t think she did it?
SHELDON:
Notice she said, “Wubby is-“ and then she made the correction to “Wubby was-” that is a clue that she cares and – did not do it. That’s the sort of thing they usually point out in the cop shows.
TRISH:
So Mrs. Fellini actually cared about Wubby? Even though she did not like rabbits?
SHELDON:
Seems that way. So, ah, Trish, send in your brother. And, it’s probably best if you wait out there for now.
(Trish nods her agreement while exiting. As Toddy enters, Sheldon motions for both of them to sit.)
TODD:
I did not do it. Just so you know, I could never do that.
SHELDON:
Come on, I also have sisters, and I know just how it can be. So, you never wanted to seek out revenge? For anything? Rumor has it, they squirted hand lotion into your mouth while you were asleep.
TODD:
That was mostly Terri’s doing. SHE’S the prankster of the family. So, even if I wanted revenge on anybody, it would be Terri. Never Trish.
SHELDON:
You’re saying Trish is the perfect sister?
TODD:
Noooo, but... look – even if I would play a prank on any of my sisters, I would never destroy Wubby. I just could not do such a thing. I know how much Wubby means to Trish, and, well, I totally understand. Look, you have to promise that you will never tell anybody about this.
SHELDON:
Okay, I’ll keep it off the record.
TODD:
I loved Wubby – just like my – own – Teddy. I know, not a very original name, but, you know, I was 4 when I named him and, still, he’s a very special bear.
SHELDON:
You still have a Teddy bear.
TODD:
You promised to keep it off the record.
SHELDON:
Yeah-yeah-yeah, but who can confirm this story.
TODD:
I could introduce you to the bear.
SHELDON:
How do I know you’re not just showing me one of your sister’s stuffed toys?
TODD:
Hey, it’s not a toy! But, yeah, okay-okay. Ah, well, you can talk to Mr. Douglas. He can back this up. And, he’s very discrete.
SHELDON:
The butler? All right then, send in Mr. Douglas.
(Todd exits. Butler enters and stands at attention. Sheldon motions for them to sit, but Butler doesn’t flinch, so unsure, Sheldon remains standing as well.)
SHELDON:
Mr. Douglas, the butler... I’ll get right to it. Ah, so, Todd says you can back up his story about – Teddy.
BUTLER:
He told you about Teddy?
SHELDON:
Yes, I was sworn to secrecy though.
BUTLER:
Very well, it is true. Todd still has his Teddy bear.
SHELDON:
Now how can you convince me that you are not guilty of harming Wubby?
BUTLER:
I care immensely about the well-being of all children in this household, as if they were my very own.
SHELDON:
If they WERE your very own children, would you encourage them to hold on to their baby toys?
BUTLER:
Master Sheldon, those are not toys.
SHELDON:
Where were you between 3:50 and 5:37 pm?
BUTLER:
I was in the dining room setting the tables and such. Once guests started to arrive, I welcomed them, taking their coats and gifts and directing them to the dining room. You remember me serving you throughout the meal.
SHELDON:
I noticed that there were a few minutes where you were not serving us.
BUTLER:
I was in the kitchen, grabbing a bite. Butlers are human, and also require nourishment, you do realize?
SHELDON:
I understand. Very well, then, please send in Terri.
(Butler exits. Terri enters who plunks into the sofa.)
SHELDON:
Terri-Terri-Terri- do you have a stuffed toy-FRIEND too?... I suppose if you really did, you probably wouldn’t tell me.
TERRI:
Do YOU have a stuffed–friend, Sheldon?
SHELDON:
I will ask the questions, here. So, Terri, I understand that there can be sibling rivalry, especially between sisters. So just where were you? Huh? I noticed that you were late to the party.
TERRI:
Yeah, I had a soccer game.
SHELDON:
Maybe, you came back home and quickly went upstairs to, ah-
TERRI:
Simply no time. Right after the game, I showered, got back home, and joined you all for supper.
SHELDON:
But there isn’t any way to prove your alibi.
TERRI:
Actually there is! Mr. Stellar, the chauffeur, drove me.
SHELDON:
Very well, I’d like to speak to him next.
(Terri exits and Chauffeur saunters in.)
CHAUFFEUR:
This about Wubby? Pooo widdo-Wubby-wabbit.
SHELDON:
Just how well did you know Wubby? Sounds like you were on a first-name basis.
CHAUFFEUR:
Sure thing. Several years, I’ve been driving around these wee ones and their furry little toy-friends.
SHELDON:
Just now, you said, “toy-friends.” But, do you use this term in front of the – wee ones?
(Chauffeur looks slightly guilty, like he’s been caught doing a bad thing. He shrugs it off.)
CHAUFFEUR:
I know better. Look, I wish to keep my job. So around the family, I watch what I say, and I watch what I do.
SHELDON:
So what time did you arrive at the house after picking Terri up from the soccer game?
CHAUFFEUR:
20 after 5. The party was at 5, so it was a race. We crossed the finish line, at 20 after 5.
SHELDON:
Then what did you do?
CHAUFFEUR:
Parked the car, came in the back entry to grab a morsel.
SHELDON:
No wonder Mrs. Fellini feels so busy.
CHAUFFEUR:
Might I bring Mrs. Fellini here? She can vouch for me.
SHELDON:
No-no, just leave her to her a’mixing. But you can send in... Annette!
(Chauffeur exits. Unexpectedly, Mr. and Mrs. Bergman enter with a kerfuffle, followed by Trish, Todd and Terri. Sheldon just sits there, stunned.)
TRISH:
But Dad... Mom!
MR. BERGMAN:
(looking around and seeing Sheldon)
Is that him? So what is the meaning of all this, young man? Who told you that you could interrogate the staff?
MRS. B:
Mrs. Fellini is very distressed and cannot stop a’talking and a’mixing things, and Mr. Douglas is quite – well - “put off” – is what he would say.
MR. BERGMAN:
“Insulted” was the word he used.
(to Sheldon)
Now, I cannot wait to hear the reasons behind all this-
TRISH:
Dad! Mom! Please, listen to me. You are crashing my birthday party.
MRS. B:
I cannot understand the theme of this party. It does not seem like most of the kids are having any fun right now. Take for instance, poor Russell, who already just wants to go home.
(calling out)
Russ! Russell! Russ! Please come here.
(Russ enters tentatively.)
RUSS:
Oh, but, I- ah- ugh-
(Mrs. Bergman pulls Russ over to her side.)
MRS. B:
It’s okay dear, come right over here.
(to Trish)
What kind of hostess are you? Russ is feeling like he does not fit in. Like, he does not belong.
(RUSS sighs with embarrassment so his entire body sinks.)
TODD:
Well, none of us feel like we belong. We’re teenagers.
MR. BERGMAN:
Oh! How true. And let me tell you, things do not change much as an adult.
TERRI:
I’m sure that’s not helping Russ.
TRISH:
Yeah. Russ, please don’t go. My party isn’t over- YET!
MRS. B:
But, have you seen Ms. Pepper?! At the moment, she seems a little beside herself.
MR. BERGMAN:
Nothing seems to be as it should. So, I think it is time for everyone to go home now.
TRISH:
Dad! That would ruin everything. We still have not figured out who did it yet.
MR. BERGMAN:
Did what?... Young lady! Did what?
TERRI:
And that’s exactly why Sheldon is asking so many questions.
TRISH:
Exactly. You see, we started playing this game-
TODD:
And there was this tragic incident, and now, we must all get to the bottom of it. And Sheldon - is our detective.
MRS. B:
Oh! You mean like a murder mystery! Why didn’t you say so! I LOVE these. Oh! Can we play?
TODD:
We already started?
MRS. B:
That’s okay. Oh! I love these so much. Catch me up. Which character should I be? How about the Southern Belle who acts all innocent?
(suddenly goes into character)
Oh, yo’re not suspecting little ol’ me, are ya? Whateva shall I do?
(Trish, Todd and Terri are stunned at first, just watching with wide eyes as the scene unfolds. Mrs. Bergman plops herself down into the chair, fanning herself with a hand.)
MRS. B:
Please, don’t be too hard on me, mister detective-man. I don’t know how much I’m able to bear. I’m so very frail, you know? But, go ahead now, ya’hear, ask a question. Go on, now. I’ll try not to be a-feared.
SHELDON:
Oh-kay, ah, yeah, well, Mrs.-
MRS. B:
Miss, Miss Belle, if ya please.
SHELDON
Miss... Belle, where have you been for the last 3 hours?
MRS. B:
Is that when the crime occurred? Was it simply dreadful?
SHELDON:
It was. It was indeed.
MRS. B:
Why, I simply cannot answer that question without making myself look completely suspicious. I have absolutely no alibi. Absolutely no alibi to speak of. Whateva am I going to do?
MR. BERGMAN:
(amused and gets into character)
Well there, seems I can vouch for yo alibi, ma’am. Seeings how yo’ such a pretty little thing.
(Russ is afraid to move, while the rest of the teens wilt and roll their eyes in disbelief.)
MRS. B:
Why, you can? That’s a might-eh big relief.
TRISH:
Mom – Dad, you’re embarrassing us.
MRS. B:
Well then, does that mean I’m off the hook?
SHELDON:
Ah, for now. Yes, ma’am.
MR. BERGMAN:
I do not suppose you have any questions for me, young man?
SHELDON:
Sure. Same question. Where were you in the last 3 hours?
MR. BERGMAN:
You’re good. You’re real good. But, you’re not good enough. Get back to me when you find some real evidence. Huh? Make my day.
MRS. B:
Oh, well, I guess we can retire now in the study. Yo’all can call on us if yo’all need us for anymo’ questioning.
(The teens sigh in relief as Mr. and Mrs. Bergman exit. Sheldon looks at Russ, Trish, Todd and Terri.)
SHELDON:
You can tell Annette to come in, now.
(Trish, Todd and Terri exit, followed by a hesitant Russ. Soon, Annette enters and faces Sheldon with a leer. They both speak very crisply to each other.)
SHELDON:
Hello – Annette.
ANNETTE:
Sheldon!
SHELDON:
Sit?
ANNETTE:
All right.
SHELDON:
So –
ANNETTE:
You like?
SHELDON:
What?!
ANNETTE:
You like me for it? The crime, that is?
SHELDON:
Yes! I like you a lot – for the crime. I’m thinking you did it. You just LOOK guilty. And you sound guilty, what with all that giggling, and pretend-crying to cover up all that giggling. How could you?
ANNETTE:
I thought it was funny.
SHELDON:
(motioning to the taped-outline on table)
Does this look funny to you? A dismembered bunny?!
ANNETTE:
(bursts into laughter and nods “yes”)
Yes – it – does. It actually does.
SHELDON:
So, you had something to do with the dismantling of Wubby?
ANNETTE:
(composing herself, she begins to circle the sofa)
No! Do you really think - if I had anything to do with the actual crime, that I would be laughing about it?
SHELDON:
(gets up to circle the sofa, opposite of Annette)
Yeah.
ANNETTE:
Eh, you’re right. I probably would be laughing. But, so what?! I find a lot of odd things funny. And that’s all I’m guilty of... giggle-fits.
(thinking of something)
And there is no way I could have done this. Look!
(stops short to hold up her hands to show her long nails)
I just had my nails done. Now, if I looked guilty because of giggle-fits, then JOSH looks guilty. He was way too eager for us to see what was beneath the blanket. Right?
(speaking as she exits)
I will send Josh in for questioning... Sheldon!
SHELDON:
Annette!
(Josh swaggers in casually and flops into a chair.)
JOSH:
What up?
SHELDON:
Why were you so eager for us to see what was beneath the blanket?
JOSH:
Well, that crazy-Pepper-person screamed. I thought, cool, something crazy must be there. And, I wanted to see it.
(finally shrugs after Sheldon’s long stare)
That’s it.
SHELDON:
You had no idea that it was Wubby?
JOSH:
Never in a million years would I have guessed it was somebody’s stuffed toy – ripped apart. But – I gotta remember that one for futurrre... rrrr...
SHELDON:
Future what?
JOSH:
Nothing! I plead the fifth.
SHELDON:
The fifth of what?
JOSH:
Not sure, but it - amends - something.
SHELDON:
Ignorance?
JOSH:
Sure, I will claim ignorance. Or is the word – innocence? I don’t know – couldn’t I be like, ignorant of the facts which would make me innocent of any knowledge?
SHELDON:
(groans with exasperation)
You’re dismissed. Send in Katie.
JOSH:
Katie! Katie the flakey.
(Josh exits. Katie enters as she speaks back to JOSH.)
KATIE:
I am not flakey.
(Katie sits down, while Sheldon paces behind her.)
SHELDON:
You consider yourself best friends with Trish?
KATIE:
Yes.
SHELDON:
Would you ever say anything to her that would hurt?
KATIE:
No.
SHELDON:
Even if it was the truth?
KATIE:
If the truth hurts - keep it to yourself!
SHELDON:
So if you hurt Wubby, you would not tell her.
KATIE:
I would not hurt Wubby!
SHELDON:
What if the truth was important, would you tell her then?
KATIE:
Ahhhh, you’re trying to confuse me.
SHELDON:
So you said that you were best friends?
KATIE:
Yes.
SHELDON:
But at the party, Trish admitted that Wubby was her best friend. Did that make you jealous?
KATIE:
Yes – ah – NO!
SHELDON:
Did you arrive early today to help organize?
KATIE:
No.
SHELDON:
Why not? You are supposed to be best friends. Isn’t that what a best friend would do?
KATIE:
My dad needed me - to - wax his back this afternoon.
SHELDON:
Oh-ew-ow!
KATIE:
Tell me about it. My parents are leaving on a cruise tomorrow and body parts will be exposed-
SHELDON:
Too much information.
KATIE:
Well, someday I want to be a beautician, and that’s just one of the things you have to know how to do.
SHELDON:
Still, if you are able to do THAT- executing such a painful operation as to pour hot wax on someone and rip out-
KATIE:
You think I could ever harm Wubby? Never! What would my motive be?
SHELDON:
Like I said, you admit to being jealous?
KATIE:
Not of Wubby? Not really. You see, Wubby and my Twinkles-
SHELDON:
Twinkles being-
KATIE:
Twinkles - the Unicorn? Okay? Long story on the name. Anyway, Wubby and Twinkles got along famously. For years, they came along with us to every pajama party and birthday party – until now.
SHELDON:
So you decided that you were also too embarrassed to bring Twinkles to the party?
KATIE:
Yes. Now you probably think even less of me?
SHELDON:
Whatever. I’m done questioning you. Send in Emma?
(Katie exits and Emma enters.)
EMMA:
Did you need my help?
SHELDON:
Emma, you are a prime suspect, just because you have tried to be so helpful.
EMMA:
Maybe I just want to help. I’m just that kind of person, you know. I’m a helper. I like to help.
SHELDON:
You must also be the teacher’s pet.
EMMA:
Usually.
SHELDON:
Those kind of people make me sick. And suspicious.
EMMA:
You do not think people can be good?
SHELDON:
Good, yes. Perfect, no.
EMMA:
Couldn’t there be a person who sincerely was just TRYING to be perfect?
SHELDON:
I suppose there could be such a person.
EMMA:
Like yourself? You are just like me.
SHELDON:
Am not! You watch “Glad Times.” I would never bother watching that TV show.
EMMA:
Neither would-
(Emma stops herself, realizing she said too much, and keeps her mouth clamped shut defiantly.)
SHELDON:
What is that? So you lied about watching “Glad Times”? So, WHAT are you really trying to hide? What are you really up to, Emma Kayler?
EMMA:
All right. I do a Bible study with my family, okay.
SHELDON:
Oh. I guess we are kind of the same. And that’s nothing to be ashamed about, you know. Okay. So, ah, yeah, going to keep this in mind. Meanwhile, send in Gale?
(Emma exits with a big smile. Gale enters.)
SHELDON:
Gale! Could not help but notice that you’re really jealous of Trish’s lifestyle.
GALE:
NNNOOOo... Well, maybe just a bit. Whatever.
SHELDON:
Well, maybe you had a certain idea about taking something away from the girl who seems to have everything, right at her own birthday party.
GALE:
Are you kidding me? And risk never being invited to one of her parties ever again?
SHELDON:
Ah! AHHHHHHHHH!
(Sheldon paces the room while he loses it. Scared, Gale rushes out, and Trish rushes back in.)
TRISH:
Sheldon, what’s wrong? What is it? Did you figure it out?
SHELDON:
No! Are you kidding me? I’m no detective! I’m just a kid! A kid who does not know what he’s doing!
TRISH:
So you found out nothing?
SHELDON:
I found out - your cook feels overworked.
TRISH:
That’s nothing new.
SHELDON:
Ugh, see, I’m such a loser.
TRISH:
No you’re not. You’re a good friend, who tried to help me.
SHELDON:
But failed.
TRISH:
No. You actually helped. You gave me some words of wisdom and comfort before. And now I’m actually feeling a bit better, you know?... Really.
SHELDON:
I still want to know who did this. I still want to crack the case, you know?
TRISH:
I get that. So do I.
SHELDON:
But how? What would Sherlock Holmes do?
TRISH:
I have no idea.
SHELDON:
I have an idea. I HAVE – AN IDEA!!!
(goes to door to call out)
Everyone, please come into the sitting room.
(to Trish)
I’ll be right back. Have them all stand in a group over there.
(Sheldon points to the side, then runs out, while everyone else enters.)
QUINTON:
What’s going on? Where’s he off to?
TRISH:
No idea. But he wants everyone to stand in a group, right over there.
(Everyone, including Cook, Butler and Chauffeur stand in a group to the side. Sheldon returns with Wubby. Taking the two pieces, Sheldon holds the pieces close to each other, so the bunny looks whole again. Sheldon holds Wubby upright to face the group, moving it from side to side, as if Wubby is examining each and every person.)
SHELDON:
What if I told you, that we just discovered a Wubby-cam? That’s right! A Wubby-cam. You know, a miniature camera inside the stuffing - inside of Wubby’s head. And what if I told you that it had recorded everything? What do you think Wubby all saw? WHO do you think Wubby saw?
RUSS:
(finally breaking down)
All right! I did it!
TRISH:
What? Is that why you wanted to go home early? You were feeling guilty.
SHELDON:
Russ? It was you? All this time. What was your motive?
RUSS:
Wait, you – you were surprised. So, you did NOT know!
SHELDON:
I did not say there WAS a camera inside Wubby, I just asked “what if there HAD been.”
RUSS:
(sighs with embarrassment so his entire body sinks)
Aw, man.
TRISH:
Russ, but - why – why would you do this?
RUSS:
Well, I – I actually did not.
SHELDON:
Please, explain.
RUSS:
Your dog, Tiny.
TERRI:
What has Tiny got to do with this? I haven’t seen him the entire time.
TODD:
(calling out)
Tiny? Tiny! Hey, where are you, Tiny boy? Where ARE you? Where are you, boy?
(SOUND EFFECT: huge dog barking off stage.)
COOK:
Oh, I’a put him out’a side. He was’a getting into’a everything.
RUSS:
And Tiny must have also gotten into your things. I was looking for a bathroom, when I saw Tiny in here, with a pink toy-ah-with Wubby. In my defense, I just thought it was his dog toy. So I started playing with Tiny, you know, tug-of-war.
(Everyone groans.)
RUSS:
Yeah. So it – just – came apart. You have a very big dog. Which you call, Tiny. Anyway, I just thought the dog’s toy broke. So I left the dog and the toy in the room, went to wash my hands, then rejoined you’all in the dining room for supper.
TODD:
But why did you not say anything when we discovered Wubby?
RUSS:
There were so many hysterical people, and - it suddenly seemed like such a big deal, so by then, I was terrified of saying anything. I thought maybe you would not believe me, and then you’d all hate me.
KATIE:
I suppose in this case, telling the truth would have been best, even though it would have hurt.
TRISH:
Agreed. But why did you put it under the blanket?
RUSS:
THAT I did not do.
TODD:
Then who did? Certainly not Tiny.
(While everyone quietly thinks, Maid enters, with earbuds in her ears. She fidgets with a cellphone, then continues humming and dusting things in the back, so her back is turned to everyone. As she turns around, she is shocked to see the group. Maid pulls out her earbuds.)
MAID:
Hello. Excusé moi.
GALE:
Of course you have a maid.
TERRI:
(to Sheldon)
Oh yeah, we forgot to tell you about Miss Carol.
MAID:
I am so sorry. Pardon moi. I will go-
(seeing Wubby)
Oh! You found it. You found Wubby. I came in to clean, and saw Wubby, all broken on za floor. I know not what to do. I was in a big hurry. You have dis party. I knew zat you be so upset if you saw, so I thought – I quickly hide it - until later. And tell you.
(Everyone “aw”s with understanding.)
TODD:
Well we found it.
MAID:
I thought you would not play here. You say you be in ze recreation room.
TRISH:
We changed our mind. And I forgot to tell you. Sorry.
MAID:
Oh, well, I’m zo sorry. I know how you love Wubby.
TRISH:
It’s okay- really. At least we know how it happened. And it was all just an accident. A horrible but mysterious accident. Plus, I discovered- I have really good friends.
SHELDON:
And I solved my first case.
MS. PEPPER:
And I ruined yet another birthday party.
TRISH:
It was not ruined.
JOSH:
Actually kind of cool.
ANNETTE:
Even enjoyed a few laughs.
TRISH:
And it’s still early. Don’t you have more games for us?
MS. PEPPER:
You’ll give me another chance? Okay! To the living room where our next game is all set up. Oh, first, let me go on ahead to make sure everything is in its proper place.
(Everyone laughs as Ms. Pepper rushes out. Mr. and Mrs. Bergman rush in.)
MR.BERGMAN:
What? The game is over already?
MRS. B:
So? Tell me. Who done it?
TRISH:
Tiny - Russ - AND the maid - in the family room.
MRS. B:
(gasps dramatically)
Ah, I did not see that coming!
MR.BERGMAN:
That’s right. It’s usually what? The butler in the study?
(Butler shakes his head and exits.)
TRISH:
Come on everyone, it may not be as exciting as this last one, but the next game is about to begin.
(ALL follow Trish out the door.)
What? How? Why would I ever do such a thing?
SHELDON:
Thou protest too much. You had access. You had opportunity. Perhaps you had motive.
MS. PEPPER:
My success depends on the success of each party. If anything goes wrong, my reputation is ruined.
SHELDON:
Perhaps it is already ruined? I heard about the incident at Larry Peters’ paintballing party. That’s right. I heard how the birthday boy got it right in the eyes. One red, one blue! The paint did not wash off for days.
MS. PEPPER:
I would never PLAN for something like that to happen.
SHELDON:
And at Sue Wilson’s party, you served a cake with combustible candles. Her eyebrows are still missing.
MS. PEPPER:
That was an accident. A very tragic accident!
SHELDON:
Since your reputation has already been tarnished, I think you sabotaged THIS party! What’s that saying? Bad publicity is good publicity. And perhaps it’s because you want to break into the Murder Mystery party scene.
MS. PEPPER:
Oh, now there’s an idea. Why didn’t I think of that? Anyway, I didn’t - I did not do this.
SHELDON:
Why should I believe you? Wubby’s body was found with the game that you yourself prepared just before the party.
MS. PEPPER:
I have absolutely no idea how that even got there.
SHELDON:
Then let us go through all your steps, shall we? Right from the start.
MS. PEPPER:
Well, I entered the house. Met with the cook, to get a progress report on food preparations.
SHELDON:
How did she seem to you?
MS. PEPPER:
The cook? Seemed, well, rather perturbed that I would even bother her. Her kitchen is her kingdom, as I was told so very abruptly.
SHELDON:
So she was abrupt?
MS. PEPPER:
And busy... she was busy chopping things.
SHELDON:
(writing)
“Busy chopping things”
(looking up)
Could you see WHAT she was chopping?
MS. PEPPER:
I was far too busy. I had other things to do. I had to set up the games. Which take time. Like this one here. All those little items- 40 items, to be exact. NOT 41. Or – I suppose it really turned out to be 42 as it was- split- ah-
(Trish whimpers at the thought of Wubby in two pieces.)
SHELDON:
We get the picture. So Wubby was nowhere in sight at this point?
MS. PEPPER:
Up until now, I had never met – Wubby. Never even heard anyone mention the name “Wubby”. I simply finished putting all 40 items on the table, and covered it with the blanket. Then it was time to decorate. And at 4 pm, I met with Trish, in the study, to go over the itinerary.
TRISH:
We did. In the study, at 4 pm exactly. The party was to begin at 5 pm.
SHELDON:
(pacing the room to think)
And we discovered the body at exactly... 5:37. Plenty of time for somebody to hide the body under the blanket. But, perhaps Wubby was injured long before any of this. When did you last see Wubby in one piece?
TRISH:
3:50 pm. I remember, because I said goodbye to Wubby just before meeting with Ms. Pepper, explaining why he would not be at my party. I knew the other kids would only make fun if he were there. But now, I just keep thinking, if only - I would not have been so embarrassed – he - he would still be right here - with me - all in one piece. But he’s not-
SHELDON:
Trish, do not play the “what if” game. It will only drive you crazy. And you must not blame yourself. This was not your fault. You are not responsible for Wubby’s passing. You were – from what I hear – an excellent friend to Wubby.
TRISH:
Thank you.
SHELDON:
So you last saw Wubby at 3:50, and where exactly was this?
TRISH:
Up in my bedroom.
SHELDON:
This leads me to think that this was most likely an inside job. All right, well Ms. Pepper, I’m finished questioning you for now. Please send in – the cook – Mrs. Fellini.
MS. PEPPER:
You want ME to get her. Me? She kind of scares me. A lot.
TRISH:
Don’t worry, it’s not you. She scares everyone.
(Ms. Pepper exits, visibly nervous.)
SHELDON:
So, the cook also scares you?
TRISH:
Not totally. At times she makes scary meals to eat, but um-
(quickly scared)
Please do not tell her that she makes scary food!
(Cook enters. Trish quickly sits still and rigid.)
SHELDON:
Mrs. Fellini, please sit down, I have questions to ask-
COOK:
I’a no’a have’a time’a to sit’a down! There’s’a so’a much’a still to do-
SHELDON:
But I need to ask you about your’a day- your day!
COOK:
My’a day is’a spent in’a kitchen to’a cook’a like a crazy person. So’a much’a to do!
SHELDON:
Ms. Pepper says that you were abrupt with her.
COOK:
Yes, abrupt’a. I’a no have’a time for crazy’a chit-chat.
SHELDON:
And you were chopping something?
COOK:
Si! A lots’a chopping’a, dicing’a, stirring’a, mixing’a - You’a name it, I’a make it.
SHELDON:
Were you a’making rabbit?
COOK:
I no like’a rabbit.
SHELDON:
All rabbits? Did you have something against Wubby?
COOK:
Wubby is’a – so sorry – Wubby was’a nice’a, soft’a small’a friend, si? But he was’a so old. No? What’a shame. I’m’a go now. So’a much’a to do.
(Cook turns and leaves while still muttering.)
TRISH:
You don’t think she did it?
SHELDON:
Notice she said, “Wubby is-“ and then she made the correction to “Wubby was-” that is a clue that she cares and – did not do it. That’s the sort of thing they usually point out in the cop shows.
TRISH:
So Mrs. Fellini actually cared about Wubby? Even though she did not like rabbits?
SHELDON:
Seems that way. So, ah, Trish, send in your brother. And, it’s probably best if you wait out there for now.
(Trish nods her agreement while exiting. As Toddy enters, Sheldon motions for both of them to sit.)
TODD:
I did not do it. Just so you know, I could never do that.
SHELDON:
Come on, I also have sisters, and I know just how it can be. So, you never wanted to seek out revenge? For anything? Rumor has it, they squirted hand lotion into your mouth while you were asleep.
TODD:
That was mostly Terri’s doing. SHE’S the prankster of the family. So, even if I wanted revenge on anybody, it would be Terri. Never Trish.
SHELDON:
You’re saying Trish is the perfect sister?
TODD:
Noooo, but... look – even if I would play a prank on any of my sisters, I would never destroy Wubby. I just could not do such a thing. I know how much Wubby means to Trish, and, well, I totally understand. Look, you have to promise that you will never tell anybody about this.
SHELDON:
Okay, I’ll keep it off the record.
TODD:
I loved Wubby – just like my – own – Teddy. I know, not a very original name, but, you know, I was 4 when I named him and, still, he’s a very special bear.
SHELDON:
You still have a Teddy bear.
TODD:
You promised to keep it off the record.
SHELDON:
Yeah-yeah-yeah, but who can confirm this story.
TODD:
I could introduce you to the bear.
SHELDON:
How do I know you’re not just showing me one of your sister’s stuffed toys?
TODD:
Hey, it’s not a toy! But, yeah, okay-okay. Ah, well, you can talk to Mr. Douglas. He can back this up. And, he’s very discrete.
SHELDON:
The butler? All right then, send in Mr. Douglas.
(Todd exits. Butler enters and stands at attention. Sheldon motions for them to sit, but Butler doesn’t flinch, so unsure, Sheldon remains standing as well.)
SHELDON:
Mr. Douglas, the butler... I’ll get right to it. Ah, so, Todd says you can back up his story about – Teddy.
BUTLER:
He told you about Teddy?
SHELDON:
Yes, I was sworn to secrecy though.
BUTLER:
Very well, it is true. Todd still has his Teddy bear.
SHELDON:
Now how can you convince me that you are not guilty of harming Wubby?
BUTLER:
I care immensely about the well-being of all children in this household, as if they were my very own.
SHELDON:
If they WERE your very own children, would you encourage them to hold on to their baby toys?
BUTLER:
Master Sheldon, those are not toys.
SHELDON:
Where were you between 3:50 and 5:37 pm?
BUTLER:
I was in the dining room setting the tables and such. Once guests started to arrive, I welcomed them, taking their coats and gifts and directing them to the dining room. You remember me serving you throughout the meal.
SHELDON:
I noticed that there were a few minutes where you were not serving us.
BUTLER:
I was in the kitchen, grabbing a bite. Butlers are human, and also require nourishment, you do realize?
SHELDON:
I understand. Very well, then, please send in Terri.
(Butler exits. Terri enters who plunks into the sofa.)
SHELDON:
Terri-Terri-Terri- do you have a stuffed toy-FRIEND too?... I suppose if you really did, you probably wouldn’t tell me.
TERRI:
Do YOU have a stuffed–friend, Sheldon?
SHELDON:
I will ask the questions, here. So, Terri, I understand that there can be sibling rivalry, especially between sisters. So just where were you? Huh? I noticed that you were late to the party.
TERRI:
Yeah, I had a soccer game.
SHELDON:
Maybe, you came back home and quickly went upstairs to, ah-
TERRI:
Simply no time. Right after the game, I showered, got back home, and joined you all for supper.
SHELDON:
But there isn’t any way to prove your alibi.
TERRI:
Actually there is! Mr. Stellar, the chauffeur, drove me.
SHELDON:
Very well, I’d like to speak to him next.
(Terri exits and Chauffeur saunters in.)
CHAUFFEUR:
This about Wubby? Pooo widdo-Wubby-wabbit.
SHELDON:
Just how well did you know Wubby? Sounds like you were on a first-name basis.
CHAUFFEUR:
Sure thing. Several years, I’ve been driving around these wee ones and their furry little toy-friends.
SHELDON:
Just now, you said, “toy-friends.” But, do you use this term in front of the – wee ones?
(Chauffeur looks slightly guilty, like he’s been caught doing a bad thing. He shrugs it off.)
CHAUFFEUR:
I know better. Look, I wish to keep my job. So around the family, I watch what I say, and I watch what I do.
SHELDON:
So what time did you arrive at the house after picking Terri up from the soccer game?
CHAUFFEUR:
20 after 5. The party was at 5, so it was a race. We crossed the finish line, at 20 after 5.
SHELDON:
Then what did you do?
CHAUFFEUR:
Parked the car, came in the back entry to grab a morsel.
SHELDON:
No wonder Mrs. Fellini feels so busy.
CHAUFFEUR:
Might I bring Mrs. Fellini here? She can vouch for me.
SHELDON:
No-no, just leave her to her a’mixing. But you can send in... Annette!
(Chauffeur exits. Unexpectedly, Mr. and Mrs. Bergman enter with a kerfuffle, followed by Trish, Todd and Terri. Sheldon just sits there, stunned.)
TRISH:
But Dad... Mom!
MR. BERGMAN:
(looking around and seeing Sheldon)
Is that him? So what is the meaning of all this, young man? Who told you that you could interrogate the staff?
MRS. B:
Mrs. Fellini is very distressed and cannot stop a’talking and a’mixing things, and Mr. Douglas is quite – well - “put off” – is what he would say.
MR. BERGMAN:
“Insulted” was the word he used.
(to Sheldon)
Now, I cannot wait to hear the reasons behind all this-
TRISH:
Dad! Mom! Please, listen to me. You are crashing my birthday party.
MRS. B:
I cannot understand the theme of this party. It does not seem like most of the kids are having any fun right now. Take for instance, poor Russell, who already just wants to go home.
(calling out)
Russ! Russell! Russ! Please come here.
(Russ enters tentatively.)
RUSS:
Oh, but, I- ah- ugh-
(Mrs. Bergman pulls Russ over to her side.)
MRS. B:
It’s okay dear, come right over here.
(to Trish)
What kind of hostess are you? Russ is feeling like he does not fit in. Like, he does not belong.
(RUSS sighs with embarrassment so his entire body sinks.)
TODD:
Well, none of us feel like we belong. We’re teenagers.
MR. BERGMAN:
Oh! How true. And let me tell you, things do not change much as an adult.
TERRI:
I’m sure that’s not helping Russ.
TRISH:
Yeah. Russ, please don’t go. My party isn’t over- YET!
MRS. B:
But, have you seen Ms. Pepper?! At the moment, she seems a little beside herself.
MR. BERGMAN:
Nothing seems to be as it should. So, I think it is time for everyone to go home now.
TRISH:
Dad! That would ruin everything. We still have not figured out who did it yet.
MR. BERGMAN:
Did what?... Young lady! Did what?
TERRI:
And that’s exactly why Sheldon is asking so many questions.
TRISH:
Exactly. You see, we started playing this game-
TODD:
And there was this tragic incident, and now, we must all get to the bottom of it. And Sheldon - is our detective.
MRS. B:
Oh! You mean like a murder mystery! Why didn’t you say so! I LOVE these. Oh! Can we play?
TODD:
We already started?
MRS. B:
That’s okay. Oh! I love these so much. Catch me up. Which character should I be? How about the Southern Belle who acts all innocent?
(suddenly goes into character)
Oh, yo’re not suspecting little ol’ me, are ya? Whateva shall I do?
(Trish, Todd and Terri are stunned at first, just watching with wide eyes as the scene unfolds. Mrs. Bergman plops herself down into the chair, fanning herself with a hand.)
MRS. B:
Please, don’t be too hard on me, mister detective-man. I don’t know how much I’m able to bear. I’m so very frail, you know? But, go ahead now, ya’hear, ask a question. Go on, now. I’ll try not to be a-feared.
SHELDON:
Oh-kay, ah, yeah, well, Mrs.-
MRS. B:
Miss, Miss Belle, if ya please.
SHELDON
Miss... Belle, where have you been for the last 3 hours?
MRS. B:
Is that when the crime occurred? Was it simply dreadful?
SHELDON:
It was. It was indeed.
MRS. B:
Why, I simply cannot answer that question without making myself look completely suspicious. I have absolutely no alibi. Absolutely no alibi to speak of. Whateva am I going to do?
MR. BERGMAN:
(amused and gets into character)
Well there, seems I can vouch for yo alibi, ma’am. Seeings how yo’ such a pretty little thing.
(Russ is afraid to move, while the rest of the teens wilt and roll their eyes in disbelief.)
MRS. B:
Why, you can? That’s a might-eh big relief.
TRISH:
Mom – Dad, you’re embarrassing us.
MRS. B:
Well then, does that mean I’m off the hook?
SHELDON:
Ah, for now. Yes, ma’am.
MR. BERGMAN:
I do not suppose you have any questions for me, young man?
SHELDON:
Sure. Same question. Where were you in the last 3 hours?
MR. BERGMAN:
You’re good. You’re real good. But, you’re not good enough. Get back to me when you find some real evidence. Huh? Make my day.
MRS. B:
Oh, well, I guess we can retire now in the study. Yo’all can call on us if yo’all need us for anymo’ questioning.
(The teens sigh in relief as Mr. and Mrs. Bergman exit. Sheldon looks at Russ, Trish, Todd and Terri.)
SHELDON:
You can tell Annette to come in, now.
(Trish, Todd and Terri exit, followed by a hesitant Russ. Soon, Annette enters and faces Sheldon with a leer. They both speak very crisply to each other.)
SHELDON:
Hello – Annette.
ANNETTE:
Sheldon!
SHELDON:
Sit?
ANNETTE:
All right.
SHELDON:
So –
ANNETTE:
You like?
SHELDON:
What?!
ANNETTE:
You like me for it? The crime, that is?
SHELDON:
Yes! I like you a lot – for the crime. I’m thinking you did it. You just LOOK guilty. And you sound guilty, what with all that giggling, and pretend-crying to cover up all that giggling. How could you?
ANNETTE:
I thought it was funny.
SHELDON:
(motioning to the taped-outline on table)
Does this look funny to you? A dismembered bunny?!
ANNETTE:
(bursts into laughter and nods “yes”)
Yes – it – does. It actually does.
SHELDON:
So, you had something to do with the dismantling of Wubby?
ANNETTE:
(composing herself, she begins to circle the sofa)
No! Do you really think - if I had anything to do with the actual crime, that I would be laughing about it?
SHELDON:
(gets up to circle the sofa, opposite of Annette)
Yeah.
ANNETTE:
Eh, you’re right. I probably would be laughing. But, so what?! I find a lot of odd things funny. And that’s all I’m guilty of... giggle-fits.
(thinking of something)
And there is no way I could have done this. Look!
(stops short to hold up her hands to show her long nails)
I just had my nails done. Now, if I looked guilty because of giggle-fits, then JOSH looks guilty. He was way too eager for us to see what was beneath the blanket. Right?
(speaking as she exits)
I will send Josh in for questioning... Sheldon!
SHELDON:
Annette!
(Josh swaggers in casually and flops into a chair.)
JOSH:
What up?
SHELDON:
Why were you so eager for us to see what was beneath the blanket?
JOSH:
Well, that crazy-Pepper-person screamed. I thought, cool, something crazy must be there. And, I wanted to see it.
(finally shrugs after Sheldon’s long stare)
That’s it.
SHELDON:
You had no idea that it was Wubby?
JOSH:
Never in a million years would I have guessed it was somebody’s stuffed toy – ripped apart. But – I gotta remember that one for futurrre... rrrr...
SHELDON:
Future what?
JOSH:
Nothing! I plead the fifth.
SHELDON:
The fifth of what?
JOSH:
Not sure, but it - amends - something.
SHELDON:
Ignorance?
JOSH:
Sure, I will claim ignorance. Or is the word – innocence? I don’t know – couldn’t I be like, ignorant of the facts which would make me innocent of any knowledge?
SHELDON:
(groans with exasperation)
You’re dismissed. Send in Katie.
JOSH:
Katie! Katie the flakey.
(Josh exits. Katie enters as she speaks back to JOSH.)
KATIE:
I am not flakey.
(Katie sits down, while Sheldon paces behind her.)
SHELDON:
You consider yourself best friends with Trish?
KATIE:
Yes.
SHELDON:
Would you ever say anything to her that would hurt?
KATIE:
No.
SHELDON:
Even if it was the truth?
KATIE:
If the truth hurts - keep it to yourself!
SHELDON:
So if you hurt Wubby, you would not tell her.
KATIE:
I would not hurt Wubby!
SHELDON:
What if the truth was important, would you tell her then?
KATIE:
Ahhhh, you’re trying to confuse me.
SHELDON:
So you said that you were best friends?
KATIE:
Yes.
SHELDON:
But at the party, Trish admitted that Wubby was her best friend. Did that make you jealous?
KATIE:
Yes – ah – NO!
SHELDON:
Did you arrive early today to help organize?
KATIE:
No.
SHELDON:
Why not? You are supposed to be best friends. Isn’t that what a best friend would do?
KATIE:
My dad needed me - to - wax his back this afternoon.
SHELDON:
Oh-ew-ow!
KATIE:
Tell me about it. My parents are leaving on a cruise tomorrow and body parts will be exposed-
SHELDON:
Too much information.
KATIE:
Well, someday I want to be a beautician, and that’s just one of the things you have to know how to do.
SHELDON:
Still, if you are able to do THAT- executing such a painful operation as to pour hot wax on someone and rip out-
KATIE:
You think I could ever harm Wubby? Never! What would my motive be?
SHELDON:
Like I said, you admit to being jealous?
KATIE:
Not of Wubby? Not really. You see, Wubby and my Twinkles-
SHELDON:
Twinkles being-
KATIE:
Twinkles - the Unicorn? Okay? Long story on the name. Anyway, Wubby and Twinkles got along famously. For years, they came along with us to every pajama party and birthday party – until now.
SHELDON:
So you decided that you were also too embarrassed to bring Twinkles to the party?
KATIE:
Yes. Now you probably think even less of me?
SHELDON:
Whatever. I’m done questioning you. Send in Emma?
(Katie exits and Emma enters.)
EMMA:
Did you need my help?
SHELDON:
Emma, you are a prime suspect, just because you have tried to be so helpful.
EMMA:
Maybe I just want to help. I’m just that kind of person, you know. I’m a helper. I like to help.
SHELDON:
You must also be the teacher’s pet.
EMMA:
Usually.
SHELDON:
Those kind of people make me sick. And suspicious.
EMMA:
You do not think people can be good?
SHELDON:
Good, yes. Perfect, no.
EMMA:
Couldn’t there be a person who sincerely was just TRYING to be perfect?
SHELDON:
I suppose there could be such a person.
EMMA:
Like yourself? You are just like me.
SHELDON:
Am not! You watch “Glad Times.” I would never bother watching that TV show.
EMMA:
Neither would-
(Emma stops herself, realizing she said too much, and keeps her mouth clamped shut defiantly.)
SHELDON:
What is that? So you lied about watching “Glad Times”? So, WHAT are you really trying to hide? What are you really up to, Emma Kayler?
EMMA:
All right. I do a Bible study with my family, okay.
SHELDON:
Oh. I guess we are kind of the same. And that’s nothing to be ashamed about, you know. Okay. So, ah, yeah, going to keep this in mind. Meanwhile, send in Gale?
(Emma exits with a big smile. Gale enters.)
SHELDON:
Gale! Could not help but notice that you’re really jealous of Trish’s lifestyle.
GALE:
NNNOOOo... Well, maybe just a bit. Whatever.
SHELDON:
Well, maybe you had a certain idea about taking something away from the girl who seems to have everything, right at her own birthday party.
GALE:
Are you kidding me? And risk never being invited to one of her parties ever again?
SHELDON:
Ah! AHHHHHHHHH!
(Sheldon paces the room while he loses it. Scared, Gale rushes out, and Trish rushes back in.)
TRISH:
Sheldon, what’s wrong? What is it? Did you figure it out?
SHELDON:
No! Are you kidding me? I’m no detective! I’m just a kid! A kid who does not know what he’s doing!
TRISH:
So you found out nothing?
SHELDON:
I found out - your cook feels overworked.
TRISH:
That’s nothing new.
SHELDON:
Ugh, see, I’m such a loser.
TRISH:
No you’re not. You’re a good friend, who tried to help me.
SHELDON:
But failed.
TRISH:
No. You actually helped. You gave me some words of wisdom and comfort before. And now I’m actually feeling a bit better, you know?... Really.
SHELDON:
I still want to know who did this. I still want to crack the case, you know?
TRISH:
I get that. So do I.
SHELDON:
But how? What would Sherlock Holmes do?
TRISH:
I have no idea.
SHELDON:
I have an idea. I HAVE – AN IDEA!!!
(goes to door to call out)
Everyone, please come into the sitting room.
(to Trish)
I’ll be right back. Have them all stand in a group over there.
(Sheldon points to the side, then runs out, while everyone else enters.)
QUINTON:
What’s going on? Where’s he off to?
TRISH:
No idea. But he wants everyone to stand in a group, right over there.
(Everyone, including Cook, Butler and Chauffeur stand in a group to the side. Sheldon returns with Wubby. Taking the two pieces, Sheldon holds the pieces close to each other, so the bunny looks whole again. Sheldon holds Wubby upright to face the group, moving it from side to side, as if Wubby is examining each and every person.)
SHELDON:
What if I told you, that we just discovered a Wubby-cam? That’s right! A Wubby-cam. You know, a miniature camera inside the stuffing - inside of Wubby’s head. And what if I told you that it had recorded everything? What do you think Wubby all saw? WHO do you think Wubby saw?
RUSS:
(finally breaking down)
All right! I did it!
TRISH:
What? Is that why you wanted to go home early? You were feeling guilty.
SHELDON:
Russ? It was you? All this time. What was your motive?
RUSS:
Wait, you – you were surprised. So, you did NOT know!
SHELDON:
I did not say there WAS a camera inside Wubby, I just asked “what if there HAD been.”
RUSS:
(sighs with embarrassment so his entire body sinks)
Aw, man.
TRISH:
Russ, but - why – why would you do this?
RUSS:
Well, I – I actually did not.
SHELDON:
Please, explain.
RUSS:
Your dog, Tiny.
TERRI:
What has Tiny got to do with this? I haven’t seen him the entire time.
TODD:
(calling out)
Tiny? Tiny! Hey, where are you, Tiny boy? Where ARE you? Where are you, boy?
(SOUND EFFECT: huge dog barking off stage.)
COOK:
Oh, I’a put him out’a side. He was’a getting into’a everything.
RUSS:
And Tiny must have also gotten into your things. I was looking for a bathroom, when I saw Tiny in here, with a pink toy-ah-with Wubby. In my defense, I just thought it was his dog toy. So I started playing with Tiny, you know, tug-of-war.
(Everyone groans.)
RUSS:
Yeah. So it – just – came apart. You have a very big dog. Which you call, Tiny. Anyway, I just thought the dog’s toy broke. So I left the dog and the toy in the room, went to wash my hands, then rejoined you’all in the dining room for supper.
TODD:
But why did you not say anything when we discovered Wubby?
RUSS:
There were so many hysterical people, and - it suddenly seemed like such a big deal, so by then, I was terrified of saying anything. I thought maybe you would not believe me, and then you’d all hate me.
KATIE:
I suppose in this case, telling the truth would have been best, even though it would have hurt.
TRISH:
Agreed. But why did you put it under the blanket?
RUSS:
THAT I did not do.
TODD:
Then who did? Certainly not Tiny.
(While everyone quietly thinks, Maid enters, with earbuds in her ears. She fidgets with a cellphone, then continues humming and dusting things in the back, so her back is turned to everyone. As she turns around, she is shocked to see the group. Maid pulls out her earbuds.)
MAID:
Hello. Excusé moi.
GALE:
Of course you have a maid.
TERRI:
(to Sheldon)
Oh yeah, we forgot to tell you about Miss Carol.
MAID:
I am so sorry. Pardon moi. I will go-
(seeing Wubby)
Oh! You found it. You found Wubby. I came in to clean, and saw Wubby, all broken on za floor. I know not what to do. I was in a big hurry. You have dis party. I knew zat you be so upset if you saw, so I thought – I quickly hide it - until later. And tell you.
(Everyone “aw”s with understanding.)
TODD:
Well we found it.
MAID:
I thought you would not play here. You say you be in ze recreation room.
TRISH:
We changed our mind. And I forgot to tell you. Sorry.
MAID:
Oh, well, I’m zo sorry. I know how you love Wubby.
TRISH:
It’s okay- really. At least we know how it happened. And it was all just an accident. A horrible but mysterious accident. Plus, I discovered- I have really good friends.
SHELDON:
And I solved my first case.
MS. PEPPER:
And I ruined yet another birthday party.
TRISH:
It was not ruined.
JOSH:
Actually kind of cool.
ANNETTE:
Even enjoyed a few laughs.
TRISH:
And it’s still early. Don’t you have more games for us?
MS. PEPPER:
You’ll give me another chance? Okay! To the living room where our next game is all set up. Oh, first, let me go on ahead to make sure everything is in its proper place.
(Everyone laughs as Ms. Pepper rushes out. Mr. and Mrs. Bergman rush in.)
MR.BERGMAN:
What? The game is over already?
MRS. B:
So? Tell me. Who done it?
TRISH:
Tiny - Russ - AND the maid - in the family room.
MRS. B:
(gasps dramatically)
Ah, I did not see that coming!
MR.BERGMAN:
That’s right. It’s usually what? The butler in the study?
(Butler shakes his head and exits.)
TRISH:
Come on everyone, it may not be as exciting as this last one, but the next game is about to begin.
(ALL follow Trish out the door.)
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